I gotta have my orange juice.

I recently read Douglas Van Dorn’s book, Razing Hair. I’m familiar with quotation theory as relates to 1 Corinthians, but the notion of Paul’s sarcasm provides interpretive ammunition that goes beyond mere quotation.

There are several strong arguments for Van Dorn’s hypothesis:

1. Paul’s obvious use of sarcasm throughout his letters and in 1 Corinthians in particular
2. Paul’s apparent use of sarcasm in 1 Cor 11:2
3. Paul’s apparent neutralization of a “headship” rule in 1 Cor. 11:3
4. Paul’s apparent neutralization of a “primacy” rule in 1 Cor. 11:12
5. Paul’s apparent neutralization of the “nature” argument in 1 Cor. 11:14 by means of his Nazirite vow in Acts 18

In order to be truly compelling, I would expect this approach to be able to handle the apparent contradictions in 1 Corinthians 14 as well. Here is my attempt to parse these chapters in terms of Van Dorn’s approach. It seems to me that this might resolve the contradictions better than my earlier attempt. Consider the following (source: NKJV):

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Chapter 11

Imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ. Now I praise you, brethren, that you remember me in all things and keep the traditions just as I delivered them to you.

LOL

But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.

Wait a minute: is this rule about headship, or not?

Every man praying or prophesying, having his head covered, dishonors his head. But every woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head, for that is one and the same as if her head were shaved. For if a woman is not covered, let her also be shorn. But if it is shameful for a woman to be shorn or shaved, let her be covered. For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God; but woman is the glory of man.

Do you realize how tortuous these rules are?

For man is not from woman, but woman from man. Nor was man created for the woman, but woman for the man. For this reason the woman ought to have a symbol of authority on her head, because of the angels. Nevertheless, neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord. For as woman came from man, even so man also comes through woman; but all things are from God.

Really, who’s on first?
And who judges whom? (1 Cor. 6:3)
(NB this is strengthened if we remove the parenthetical “symbol”.)

Judge among yourselves. Is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered? Does not even nature itself teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a dishonor to him?

Except for me, of course. (Acts 18)

But if a woman has long hair, it is a glory to her; for her hair is given to her for a covering.

Gotcha! There are layers upon layers to this.

But if anyone seems to be contentious, we have no such custom, nor do the churches of God.

You have a fine custom of contentiousness.

Now in giving these instructions I do not praise you, since you come together not for the better but for the worse. For first of all, when you come together as a church, I hear that there are divisions among you, and in part I believe it. For there must also be factions among you, that those who are approved may be recognized among you.

You have a fine custom of contentiousness and factiousness and vaunting.

Therefore when you come together in one place, it is not to eat the Lord’s Supper. For in eating, each one takes his own supper ahead of others; and one is hungry and another is drunk. What! Do you not have houses to eat and drink in? Or do you despise the church of God and shame those who have nothing? What shall I say to you? Shall I praise you in this? I do not praise you.

I’m wearing my sarcasm on my sleeve.

For I received from the Lord that which I also delivered to you: that the Lord Jesus on the same night in which He was betrayed took bread; and when He had given thanks, He broke it and said, “Take, eat; this is My body which is broken for you; do this in remembrance of Me.” In the same manner He also took the cup after supper, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in My blood. This do, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of Me.” For as often as you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death till He comes.

Behold a man who was not contentious or factious or vaunting.

Therefore whoever eats this bread or drinks this cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of the body and blood of the Lord. But let a man examine himself, and so let him eat of the bread and drink of the cup. For he who eats and drinks in an unworthy manner eats and drinks judgment to himself, not discerning the Lord’s body. For this reason many are weak and sick among you, and many sleep. For if we would judge ourselves, we would not be judged. But when we are judged, we are chastened by the Lord, that we may not be condemned with the world.

The choice is up to you: examine your contentious customs or be chastened.

Therefore, my brethren, when you come together to eat, wait for one another. But if anyone is hungry, let him eat at home, lest you come together for judgment. And the rest I will set in order when I come.

The rule is quite simple: don’t be contentious.

Chapter 12

This chapter is quite easy to fit into a sarcastic framework;
it continues the theme of sharply cutting down factiousness and vaunting.

Chapter 13

This chapter, too, is very easy to fit into a sarcastic framework:
don’t be proud; don’t be unprofitable; don’t be childish.

Chapter 14

Pursue love, and desire spiritual gifts, but especially that you may prophesy. For he who speaks in a tongue does not speak to men but to God, for no one understands him; however, in the spirit he speaks mysteries. But he who prophesies speaks edification and exhortation and comfort to men. He who speaks in a tongue edifies himself, but he who prophesies edifies the church. I wish you all spoke with tongues, but even more that you prophesied; for he who prophesies is greater than he who speaks with tongues, unless indeed he interprets, that the church may receive edification.

Speaking in gibberish is so considerate of others.

But now, brethren, if I come to you speaking with tongues, what shall I profit you unless I speak to you either by revelation, by knowledge, by prophesying, or by teaching? Even things without life, whether flute or harp, when they make a sound, unless they make a distinction in the sounds, how will it be known what is piped or played? For if the trumpet makes an uncertain sound, who will prepare for battle? So likewise you, unless you utter by the tongue words easy to understand, how will it be known what is spoken? For you will be speaking into the air. There are, it may be, so many kinds of languages in the world, and none of them is without significance. Therefore, if I do not know the meaning of the language, I shall be a foreigner to him who speaks, and he who speaks will be a foreigner to me. Even so you, since you are zealous for spiritual gifts, let it be for the edification of the church that you seek to excel.

All languages have significance—yeah, right.
You guys are just speaking indistinct gibberish.

Therefore let him who speaks in a tongue pray that he may interpret. For if I pray in a tongue, my spirit prays, but my understanding is unfruitful. What is the conclusion then? I will pray with the spirit, and I will also pray with the understanding. I will sing with the spirit, and I will also sing with the understanding. Otherwise, if you bless with the spirit, how will he who occupies the place of the uninformed say “Amen” at your giving of thanks, since he does not understand what you say? For you indeed give thanks well, but the other is not edified.

I am desperate for understanding.
You should really pray for some understanding, heh.

I thank my God I speak with tongues more than you all; yet in the church I would rather speak five words with my understanding, that I may teach others also, than ten thousand words in a tongue.

Or even a bajillion.

Brethren, do not be children in understanding; however, in malice be babes, but in understanding be mature.

Don’t speak like babies; be loyal like babies.

In the law it is written:

With men of other tongues and other lips
I will speak to this people;
And yet, for all that, they will not hear Me,

says the Lord.

You’re on a dangerous precipice there;
can’t you see this is a sign of judgment on you?

Therefore tongues are for a sign, not to those who believe but to unbelievers; but prophesying is not for unbelievers but for those who believe. Therefore if the whole church comes together in one place, and all speak with tongues, and there come in those who are uninformed or unbelievers, will they not say that you are out of your mind? But if all prophesy, and an unbeliever or an uninformed person comes in, he is convinced by all, he is convicted by all. And thus the secrets of his heart are revealed; and so, falling down on his face, he will worship God and report that God is truly among you.

Truly, you are out of your mind.

How is it then, brethren? Whenever you come together, each of you has a psalm, has a teaching, has a tongue, has a revelation, has an interpretation. Let all things be done for edification. If anyone speaks in a tongue, let there be two or at the most three, each in turn, and let one interpret. But if there is no interpreter, let him keep silent in church, and let him speak to himself and to God. Let two or three prophets speak, and let the others judge. But if anything is revealed to another who sits by, let the first keep silent. For you can all prophesy one by one, that all may learn and all may be encouraged. And the spirits of the prophets are subject to the prophets. For God is not the author of confusion but of peace, as in all the churches of the saints.

If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.

Let your women keep silent in the churches, for they are not permitted to speak; but they are to be submissive, as the law also says. And if they want to learn something, let them ask their own husbands at home; for it is shameful for women to speak in church.

I know who visited the prophecy microphone last week.
“I sense that there is someone anxious and fearful and guilty here today . . .”

Or did the word of God come originally from you? Or was it you only that it reached? If anyone thinks himself to be a prophet or spiritual, let him acknowledge that the things which I write to you are the commandments of the Lord. But if anyone is ignorant, let him be ignorant.

You really think you know what you’re doing, huh?

Therefore, brethren, desire earnestly to prophesy, and do not forbid to speak with tongues. Let all things be done decently and in order.

This is not about gibberish; this is about something much bigger.